


if he loves me, one day he'll tell me

by thewonderzebra



Category: Men's Hockey RPF
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Eventual Smut, Fluff and Angst, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mutual Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-13
Updated: 2020-01-14
Packaged: 2021-02-27 07:02:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,684
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22243030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thewonderzebra/pseuds/thewonderzebra
Summary: In which Matt takes a hit meant for Charlie. His well-being is jeopardized, and both Charlie and Matt come to several realizations while Matt is healing.
Relationships: Matt Grzelcyk/Charlie McAvoy
Comments: 2
Kudos: 44





	1. Chapter 1

Matt knows the hit is coming, likely before anyone else does. He sees Charlie in a fierce puck battle up against the boards, and positions himself as ready to jump in and make a play, when he spots an incoming opponent from the corner of his eye. He sees a teammate--possibly Krej--try to maneuver so as to slow the incoming force, but to no avail. By the way his opponent is skating, Matt can tell that the intended impact is nothing short of predatory, and his heart jumps into his throat. 

For years, he has kept his feelings for Charlie to himself, from their past time at BU to their current time as Bruins. He has tried to protect Charlie in every way that he can, but has been careful to do so from afar so as not to spook him. When they are skating together, Matt makes sure to have an eye on him at all times, getting as close as he can without being too obvious. And though he knows Charlie isn't an anxious freshman needing his Captain's advice anymore, the part of Matt that is head over heels in love can't shake the deep-seated desire to keep him safe. 

It is that desire that comes out in the moment, in full force. Before he has a chance to register his own decision internally, Matt launches himself forward, creating a barrier between Charlie, the wall, and their opponent. "Charlie," he shouts, in a last-ditch, desperate attempt at catching his attention. "Heads up!"

Charlie hears the panic and fierce protectiveness in Matt's voice, and thereby abandons the puck he is fighting for. By the time he looks up, though, it is too late. All he can do is stand by and watch in total shock as Matt is slammed, full force, into the boards. He can hear a sickening crack as both an elbow and a composite stick are shoved into Matt's sternum, and Charlie drops his own stick to the ice, ready to take on anyone and everyone in his immediate surroundings, all so he can get to Matt--any audience or prying eyes be damned. 

In the mere milliseconds it takes for Charlie to skate over to Matt, Charlie notices that Matt's normally light, peachy skin complexion has paled drastically. His face is devoid of color and his eyes are blown wide open in a daze, and Charlie knows that whatever just happened is far from okay. The Garden becomes deadly quiet, and Matt stumbles and shakes where he stands, and Charlie has to put a hand on his shoulder to keep him standing (albeit temporarily). Realizing that everything Matt is experiencing was meant for him, Charlie feels sick.

"Gryz?" He murmurs, just loud enough for Matt to hear. "Matt, are you okay?" 

Charlie is horrified when Matt's response comes. Matt doubles over in pain, and lets out a gurgling cough. Blood sprays from his mouth, splattering on his shirt and on the ice, staining the corners of his mouth bright red. This cycle of bleeding and coughing continues for what seems to Charlie like forever (but is really only a few moments)...and it ends with Matt collapsing to the ice, unconscious. 

Tunnel vision comes over Charlie in that moment. He falls to his knees beside Matt, his hand on his back, shielding him from everyone besides the medical staff. There is part of him that wants to fight every single opponent who had a hand in hurting Matt. The larger part of him, though, just wants to be glued to Matt's side. 

As Matt is stretchered off the ice, still unconscious, Charlie can feel hot, angry tears sting his eyes and trail down his cheeks. He skates over to the bench, tries to focus on his other teammates, tries to focus on the game. But it is to no avail. His mind replays the hit over and again, and he thinks about how that easily could have--should have--been him, which sparks tears in his eyes all over again. 

Before the puck is even dropped again, Charlie turns to look up at up at Bruce, still wiping away tears. The head coach meets his eyes, and nods. "Go," he says, and it's all Charlie needs to hear. He hurries down the tunnel and into the dressing room, rushing to change and get to the hospital, to Matt.


	2. Chapter 2

When Charlie arrives at Mass General, he learns that Matt has several broken ribs, as well as a collapsed lung that was full of blood. Because of this, Matt was rushed to surgery, and would need a hospital stay afterward. The medical staff bring Charlie to a room in the ICU, the room that Matt will be brought to when he is out of the operating room. There, he waits. He debates watching the game on his phone to pass time, but he can't focus on it. Instead, he keeps his phone in his pocket, playing music, while he sits with his head in his hands, anxious about Matt's injuries, about missed opportunities, and the feelings he's been suppressing for years. 

Later in the evening, Charlie hears the sound of machines beeping just outside the room. Immediately, he is back on alert, standing up from the recliner he is sitting in to watch and wait. His heart races when he sees medical staff steering a hospital stretcher into the room. He quickly registers that it is Matt on that stretcher, and his heart skips a beat.

Charlie introduces himself to the medical staff, and answers a few questions to confirm both his and Matt's identities. He then steps out of the way and lets the medical team work. Matt is transferred into the bigger room bed, and several tubes and wires are adjusted. He is tucked in, and his IV drip is situated; meanwhile, Charlie is informed about what changes to look for. Finally, the medical staff leave, and it is just Charlie and Matt. 

Quietly, Charlie sits back in the recliner at Matt's bedside, and simply observes. He watches Matt breathe, grateful that the medical team had felt confident enough to remove his breathing tube. Being told that Matt had come close to dying from his injuries makes Charlie even more relieved to see Matt's chest rise and fall, no matter how shallowly. Charlie is content, really, just to sit with Matt and be reminded that he is alive. 

Charlie's heart aches as he takes in the sight of Matt. He looks so small and fragile, tubes draining his chest, IV medications infusing into his arm, and his body covered in hospital blankets. Charlie has never known Matt to be fragile, and seeing him so pale, so limp, breaks his heart in ways that he can't describe. 

For hours, Charlie can focus on nothing except Matt's breathing. He lets himself be mesmerized by the rising and falling of Matt's chest, lets himself be comforted by the sight. He tries his hardest not to focus on the tube draining fluid from Matt's lungs or the IV line running piggyback medications...because he knows that if he thinks about either of those things too much, he'll be reminded of just how violent that hit was, and how it was meant for him.

Of course, Charlie can't keep all the angsty thoughts away, much as he would like to. When Matt stirs a bit in his sleep and immediately subconsciously winces, Charlie feels guilty all over again. Without thinking, he reaches for Matt's hand, squeezes gently, and holds on. 

"I'm so sorry, Matt," he whispers, not sure if Matt can even hear him. "You didn't deserve this. Not now, not ever. I'm so scared you're not going to wake up, and I don't know what I'd do if you don't. I have so much I want to tell you still, and I can't do that with you like this. So please, Gryz. Please wake up soon." 

Charlie hopes beyond hope that Matt can hear him, but he knows medicine isn't like fairytales. So, he keeps holding Matt's hand, and waits. As long as Matt is breathing, Charlie is happy just to wait


	3. Chapter 3

Charlie doesn't realize he has fallen asleep until he feels Matt squeezing his hand. He jolts awake, unsure if what he is feeling is even real. But when his eyes adjust, and he sees Matt staring groggily up at him, he knows he wasn't imagining the sensation at all. 

"Oh my god," Charlie breathes. "Matt, you're awake."

Matt smiles softly, still holding onto Charlie's hand. "I'm awake," he confirms. "Everything hurts like a bastard, but I'm awake."

Charlie can feel the tears welling up all over again and he has rub his eyes vigorously with his free hand to get them to stop. "You have no idea how glad I am that you're alive," he says, and he hates the way his voice trembles. 

"I'm not going anywhere, Charlie," Matt replies, giving Charlie's hand a squeeze. "It's going to take more than a bleeding lung to do me in. Don't worry, the nurses came in to check on me a little while ago and filled me in." He grins, but Charlie is only able to give a half-smile in return. Matt's face falls. 

"Did I say something wrong?" Matt asks. 

Charlie shakes his head, tries to put a smile back on his face. "It's not you," he assures him. "I just...I meant to stay awake. Because I was worried and everything. I feel like it's my fault that this happened, so I want to help take care of you until you're better...if that's okay." 

Internally, Charlie is furious at himself. He hadn't meant for all of that to be blurted out at once, but such is life. Now, he feels his face flush, and supposes he needs to deal with the consequences of his words. To his surprise, however, Matt doesn't look taken aback or angry in the slightest. 

"This isn't your fault at all," Matt says, furrowing his eyebrows. "Not the injuries or the sleeping or any of it. And I could probably manage on my own once I get out of here, but honestly, I'd love the company if you're up for it."

Charlie can feel his eyes widen in surprise. "Really?" He asks. "You want me to stay with you?" 

Matt smiles, and nods. "Hell yeah," he replies; and for the first time since Matt was taken to the hospital, Charlie smiles. Matt's voice is raspy, and his breathing is shallow, but he's here, and breathing, and talking, and Charlie has never seen anything so beautiful. 

"Can I ask you something?" Charlie inquires hesitantly. Matt nods. So, Charlie takes a deep breath and continues. "Why did you take that hit? I know that should have been me."

Suddenly, Matt looks uncomfortable--and not because of his injuries. He fixes his gaze downward, and plays with the pulse monitor on his finger. "I don't know if I'm ready to talk about it right now," he says quietly. "Ask me again later, okay?"

Not wanting to upset Matt in any way, Charlie is quick to nod in agreement. "Yeah, sure," he replies, trying not to dwell on the matter. "Whatever you want." 

Matt looks up and smiles at Charlie. Charlie tries to fight the way his heart skips in his chest, and he realizes that he would literally kill, if only he could see Matt smiling at him forever. Fuck, he thinks. I'm in so deep.

"You should, um, get some sleep," Charlie says, feeling his cheeks get hot as he realizes he is staring. “It’s late and you need to rest. It’s been a long day.” 

“Bossy,” Matt teases, but doesn’t argue. “You’ll stay, right?” He hopes he isn’t being too obvious, but his chest aches, pain medicine is flowing through his system, and he just wants Charlie near him. 

Charlie nods, and lets out a quiet sigh of relief. He knows that if he goes home, he won’t sleep at all. He won’t exactly get a lot of rest at the hospital, but after seeing Matt lying unconscious on the ice, his lung deflated and bleeding, he is terrified to let Matt be alone. So, he fiddles with the lever on the recliner until it extends, and he can lie down. He turns onto his side, and is content to watch Matt breathe until they both fall asleep.  
*  
*  
*  
Charlie stays by Matt’s side for the duration of his stay in the hospital. He leaves solely to go to practice and give updates to the team (which in turn, gives him a chance to shower and change clothes). No matter how much Matt protests, his protests are weak at best, and Charlie ignores them in favor of keeping Matt company. 

This phenomenon continues to occur, even on the day of Matt’s discharge from the hospital. Even after the tubes are taken out of his chest, and the IV is removed from his arm, Matt still looks too frail to Charlie, and he expresses this openly. Matt looks mildly offended by the suggestion that he looks frail, but entertains Charlie’s anxiety. Besides, having Charlie fuss over him means that Charlie is with him...and he certainly isn’t going to turn down his company. 

To alleviate Charlie’s anxiety and simultaneously add fuel to the fire of his own crush, Matt decides to invite Charlie to stay with him. “You know, in case I can’t do stuff,” he justifies somewhat lamely. “I’ll have you to help me.” 

Charlie appears surprised by the invitation--mostly because he thought taking care of Matt post-hospitalization was going to be more of a fight. He most certainly isn’t going to say no, though. The thought of simple domesticity with Matt makes Charlie’s heart do backflips in his chest, and he thinks of all the possibilities that could occur, while also thinking of ways to keep calm and rational whenever he’s around his college captain. What he doesn’t know, is that Matt is feeling and thinking the exact same way. 

“Ready to get out of here?” Charlie asks, after the nurse has brought in Matt’s discharge paperwork and helped him into a wheelchair. Matt, who is incensed at not being allowed to actually walk, tosses his head back and looks almost pleadingly up at Charlie. 

"You have no idea," Matt groans. "Let's go home." (Charlie is all too happy to oblige, though he tries to ignore the butterflies in his stomach at hearing Matt say those words).

They stop by Charlie's on the way to Matt's place, mostly so Charlie can pick up clothes and his toothbrush. Matt stays in the car--despite offering to come in and help, Charlie tells him that under no circumstances is he going to get out of his seat. So, he stays, and Charlie does his best to be quick about the whole endeavor. When Charlie returns with his entire suitcase packed, if Matt notices, he says nothing.


	4. Chapter 4

Once they get to Matt's, Charlie wastes no time in getting his "patient" settled. He puts his suitcase in the guestroom (which, he quickly discovers is directly across the hall from Matt's bedroom), and helps Matt from the car to his apartment. Matt gets tired and his chest gets sore very quickly, so Charlie wraps an arm around Matt's waist and coaxes Matt to lean into him. They stop every so often so Matt can rest his injured body and catch his breath, and Charlie is more than happy to continue to be so close to Matt, supporting his weight. 

When they finally get upstairs, Charlie leads Matt straight into his room, helps him change into a pair of pajamas--and tries to keep it clinical--before helping him into bed. Although he feels silly doing so, Charlie doesn't know what to do other than tuck him in. Matt chuckles, but offers his thanks nonetheless. 

Charlie brings Matt a glass of water, the TV remote, and an extra blanket, and makes sure Matt takes his pain medication. He then heads to the kitchen and makes grilled cheese and soup, which Matt is thrilled to eat, having been eating hospital food for days. He has a serving for himself before cleaning everything up and unpacking his suitcase, trying desperately to avoid thinking about how in a few hours, he will be sleeping so close to Matt, in Matt's house, while he is literally nursing Matt back to health. He tries to avoid thinking about how incredibly indulgent this situation is to his long-standing crush. 

Charlie's thoughts are interrupted when Matt calls for him. Not wanting to be a burden to Matt when he is supposed to be helping him, he rushes into Matt's room. He rummages through Matt's dresser (upon request) and procures a sweatshirt. Wanting to minimize the amount of stretching and pulling on stitches Matt does, Charlie helps him into it. In the process of doing so, Matt's shirt rucks up, and Charlie catches a glimpse of Matt's scars on his chest and abdomen. It reminds him why they are both here, in Matt's bedroom, with Charlie helping him change...and Charlie recalls their conversation in the hospital. 

"Hey Gryz," Charlie begins casually. "Remember when I asked you why you took the hit? You told me to ask again, and the thought's still in my head, so now I'm asking again."

When Matt is situated in his sweatshirt and under the covers, he looks up at Charlie sheepishly. "It was something I just needed to do," he says. "Let's just leave it at that for now."

Charlie is taken aback at the answer, and wonders why it is that Matt is dancing around whatever he seems to be avoiding. Maybe he doesn't remember, he thinks. Maybe it's the pain meds. Regardless of the cause of Matt's roundabout answer, Charlie accepts it at face value. He makes a mental note to ask Matt about it again later, and goes back to tending to Matt.   
*  
*  
*   
Sometime in the middle of the first night Matt is out of the hospital, Charlie wakes up to an uneasy feeling. He is unable to put his finger on exactly what this is, so he rubs his eyes, yawns, and attempts to fall back to sleep. Then, he hears it: the sounds of whimpering and crying. Charlie sits bolt upright in bed, and throws the covers off of himself, leaping out of bed and heading toward Matt's room. 

Despite feeling awkward about invading Matt's space, Charlie's desire to make sure that he is okay wins. He knocks once on the bedroom door, loudly, then bursts in. He finds Matt with his knees to his chest, rocking back and forth and sobbing. The sight shatters Charlie’s heart. 

“Matt,” he calls, slowly approaching Matt’s side of the bed. “What’s going on?” He doesn’t know how close is too close, and he doesn’t want to crowd Matt when he is so clearly uncomfortable. So, Charlie perches on the bed, at Matt’s feet. 

More than anything, Charlie wants to pull Matt into his arms, to hold him and rub his back and absorb all of his hurt. He settles, though, for putting a hand on Matt’s shin. The contact initially startles Matt, making him flinch. Charlie doesn’t back away, though. 

“Hey, Gryz,” he murmurs. “Look at me. Breathe, okay? In and out.” Charlie slows his breathing, makes it audible, and keeps his hand on Matt’s leg, anchoring him until he is able to copy his breathing and his tears slow. 

“Talk to me,” Charlie coaxes. “What happened?” 

Matt sighs shakily. “I forgot to take my pain meds before bed,” he admits, staring blankly at his lap. “I got up to go to the bathroom a while ago and tweaked something, but I decided just to come back to bed. I guess that was the wrong decision.” 

“Why didn’t you call me?” Charlie asks. “I would’ve gotten you meds and a heating pad and whatever.” 

Matt shrugs with one shoulder. “I didn’t want to bother you,” he says quietly. “I’m not used to asking for help, you know?” 

“You’re my best friend,” Charlie replies. “I’ll do anything for you.” Way to be obvious, he thinks to himself. 

Thankfully, Matt doesn’t seem perturbed by Charlie’s admission. He raises his head to meet Charlie’s eyes in the darkened room, and gives him the soft smile that makes Charlie feel weak in the knees. “Thanks, Chuckie,” he murmurs. 

Charlie has to focus on why he had come running into Matt’s bedroom in the first place, and not on the fact that all he wants to do is kiss Matt. “Let me go grab your meds and a heating pad,” he forces himself to say, standing up from his perch on the bed. “I’ll be right back, okay?”   
Matt nods, so Charlie gets to work. As he hands him pain pills and situates a heating pad on Matt’s chest, Charlie has to fight back tears of his own. He hates seeing Matt so vulnerable and in so much pain; somehow, it makes the situation worse when he remembers that Matt is only in this much pain because he took a hit not meant for him. Charlie knows that should be him lying in bed, him with an injury...not Matt. Once again, he makes a mental note to ask Matt about the hit in the morning, when he’s had more pain medication.


	5. Chapter 5

The next morning, Charlie asks Matt why he took the hit. Just as before, Matt gives him a minimalist answer. Charlie lets it go, but the answer still manages to get under his skin. Every time he sees Matt in pain or needing him, he is torn between doting on him (and not-so-subtly revealing his crush) and screaming at him for hurting himself. So it goes each time Charlie brings the subject up. 

About a week after Matt is released from the hospital, the situation reaches a boiling point. Charlie is in the kitchen, making lunch when Matt tries to push himself up from the couch, and lets out a yelp of pain. Charlie rushes into the living room, and sees Matt sweating and shaking and trying to hide his mistake. 

“You shouldn’t have done that,” Charlie says, trying to be gentle in his scolding. He goes to settle a blanket over Matt’s lap, but is instead surprised by Matt pushing his hand away. Matt has a look of fury plastered onto his face, one that Charlie hasn’t ever seen before, and it makes Charlie’s stomach turn. “What?” Charlie asks reflexively. 

“Really?” Matt snaps. “You’re going to bring up the hit again?” 

Charlie shakes his head. “I was talking about you getting up from the chair,” he explains, feeling his blood pressure rise with every passing second. “But since we’re on the subject, why did you take that hit, Matt? And why the fuck won’t you talk about it? I thought we didn’t keep shit from each other, but every time I ask you about it, you shut me out.” 

“What does it even matter, Charlie?” Matt retorts, his voice rising. “I took the fucking hit. Anyone would have done it, and what’s done is done. Just let it go!” 

“I can’t let it go,” Charlie shouts. “And that’s not a good enough answer! I’ve known you since college, and you’re smart, not physical. You wouldn’t just take a hit. So fucking spit it out, Grzelcyk. Why did you take a hit that was meant for me?” 

“Because I’m in love with you, you fucking idiot,” Matt screams. He stares at Charlie with a wild look in his eyes, breathing hard. “I’ve been in love with you since BU.”

Charlie feels like he’s just touched a live wire. “You...what? You are?” he stutters. “Really?” He’s vaguely aware that lunch is still on the stove in the kitchen, but given the situation, he doesn’t care. 

Matt sighs, ignoring the pain in his chest. “Yeah,” he replies. “I really am. I just...didn’t want to say anything in case you didn’t feel the same way.” 

At first, Charlie says nothing, simply staring at Matt incredulously. Matt squirms a bit in his spot on the couch, wanting so desperately for Charlie to say something--anything. Then, without saying a word, Charlie strides over to the couch and sinks down beside Matt, wrapping one arm around his shoulders and grasping his shirt in his other hand. He leans in close, and crushes his lips against Matt’s. 

Matt feels like his world explodes, in that moment. His chest hurts, but more importantly, he is kissing Charlie. Charlie, who his every thought has revolved around for years. Nothing could possibly be better. He lets himself melt into Charlie’s arms, lets himself get lost in the feeling of kissing him. 

They pull apart ever so briefly to catch their breath, and Charlie touches Matt’s cheek. “I definitely feel the same way,” he murmurs. “I have for a long time.” 

Matt grins like the idiot in love that he is. “God, we’re oblivious,” he says, stealing another kiss from Charlie. “How did I never notice that you were…?” He trails off, knowing Charlie knows what he means. 

Charlie laughs, and it is a beautiful, resonating sound. “We really are,” he agrees. “Fuck, I love you so much.” 

“I love you,” Matt replies, and leans in once more. Charlie takes the not-so-subtle hint and captures Matt’s lips with his own. Matt ignores the way his chest aches, and wraps his arms around Charlie’s neck, pulling himself as close to him as he possibly can. All he wants in the moment is to be consumed by Charlie’s kisses. 

Eventually, Matt pushes back from Charlie, panting hard. “You have to stop, for a minute,” he breathes, giving Charlie a smile. Still, Charlie looks perplexed. 

“Are you okay?” Charlie asks. “I didn’t hurt you, did I?” 

Matt laughs breathlessly, ignoring the way his chest hurts as he does so. “I’m good, babe,” he says, smiling at the way Charlie softens at the nickname. “It’s just...I needed a break,” he continues. “If we keep going like this, I’m going to get too turned on, and I don’t want to start something for both of us that I can’t finish.”

Charlie takes in a small gasp as the realization comes to him. “Gotcha,” he says, nodding. “I guess I’ll cool it ‘til you get cleared, huh?” 

Matt giggles, his cheeks turning a vibrant shade of pink. “Unfortunately,” he acknowledges. “I wish you didn’t have to.” He runs his hand up and down Charlie’s chest as he talks, feeling the way Charlie shivers. 

“You’re a fucking tease,” Charlie murmurs. “You know that?” He covers Matt’s hand with his own, holding it in place. 

“All yours,” Matt says, and Charlie positively beams at him. 

“Does this mean I get to sleep in bed with you tonight?” Charlie asks. Matt laughs and shakes his head. 

“I’ll be pissed if you don’t,” he replies, winking. He feels his stomach do backflips when he sees how Charlie’s eyes light up with excitement. So, he leans in and kisses him once more. “Now, go finish lunch so I can finally cuddle with you.”


	6. Chapter 6

Getting settled into a sleeping routine is the most complicated part of Matt and Charlie’s new relationship...at least, according to Charlie. He is preoccupied with trying to make sure Matt is comfortable and medicated to sleep comfortably, but also with the fact that Matt is his now. He wants to be as close to him as possible, without causing any physical discomfort to Matt. 

Of course, Matt doesn’t care. When Charlie gets under the covers, Matt shuffles his way closer to him. “Hold me, Charlie,” he commands softly. “You’re not going to hurt me, I promise.”

Charlie nods, and stretches his arms out. He pulls Matt in close, relishing the feeling of Matt’s head on his chest. “Like this?” he asks, closing his arms around Matt’s small body. Matt nods, and hums his agreement. 

They fall asleep like that, and it becomes their routine. Every night, Charlie pulls Matt to him, and Matt curls up at his side. Matt rests his head atop Charlie’s chest, slinging one arm across his waist, and Charlie holds both arms around Matt’s body, clinging to him like a lifeline all through the night. 

When Charlie leaves Matt’s to retrieve more belongings, or go to practice or a game, Matt feels lost without him. You’re in so deep, Grzelcyk, he thinks to himself, though he knows he wouldn’t change being in love with Charlie for anything in the world. When Matt tries to nap and Charlie isn’t home, he cuddles Charlie’s pillow, breathing in his familiar scent and letting it comfort him until he can be back in his arms.  
One night, Matt wakes up to get a drink of water, and notices Charlie is missing from bed. The covers are pulled back, and his spot is warm, but he is certainly missing. Given how clingy both Charlie and Matt have been with each other, Charlie leaving bed without waking Matt is unusual. Matt has a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach, and decides to forego getting water in favor of finding Charlie. 

Thankfully, Matt doesn’t have to look too far. He walks slowly into the living room, and catches sight of his boyfriend. Charlie is sitting on the couch, hunched over with his head in his hands. Matt can see Charlie’s breath hitching in his chest, making his whole body jerk, and he knows that his boyfriend is crying. 

Matt strides over to Charlie, and sits beside him on the couch. “Hey babe,” he murmurs, and Charlie looks up abruptly in surprise. Matt puts a hand on Charlie’s back in an attempt to comfort him. “What’s going on in that head of yours?”

Charlie tries to catch his breath, and fails, continuing to gasp and sob. Matt realizes that his boyfriend is in the throes of a panic attack, and he needs to calm him down before he can talk rationally. So, Matt settles himself on the couch next to him, and gently pulls Charlie into his arms.

“It’s okay, Charlie,” Matt murmurs, rubbing Charlie’s back and cradling his head against his chest. “Breathe with me, in and out. You’re safe, I’m safe, and we’re together. Just breathe with me.” 

“Matty,” Charlie gasps, grabbing Matt’s shirt tightly. “You’re alive. You’re breathing. God, I was so scared.” 

Immediately, Matt understands why Charlie is having a panic attack. “I’m right here,” he soothes. “I’m alive. I’m not going anywhere, my love. I promise.”

Charlie sobs for several minutes more, crying Matt’s name and clinging to him like a lifeline. Matt holds him close, rubs his back, and whispers words of comfort. Finally, Charlie’s tears slow, turning to whimpers before fading completely. Matt kisses the top of his head gently as another means of grounding him. 

“I’m sorry you had to see that,” Charlie whispers hoarsely. “I didn’t mean to have a panic attack.” 

Matt shakes his head. “Don’t apologize for that,” he soothes. “You have nothing to be sorry for. I just want to make sure you’re okay.” 

Charlie shrugs. “I guess so. It was just nightmares, anyway.” 

“Nightmares?” Matt asks. “What were you dreaming about, Charlie?” He somehow knows the answer, but he needs to hear the words himself. 

Charlie burrows his face into the crook of Matt’s neck and holds onto him tighter. “You,” he murmurs. “I keep dreaming about seeing you unconscious and bleeding on the ice, but you never wake up, Matt. I came so close to losing you, Matty, all because you were protecting me, and I feel so fucking guilty. I just...I can’t lose you, Matt.”

Matt is struck with the realization that his protective actions are having consequences for Charlie. He had only wanted to protect Charlie from being injured. He never wanted his own injuries to injure Charlie the way they are. He can see and feel the guilt weighing on his boyfriend, just as it is beginning to weigh on him. 

“You won’t lose me, Charlie,” Matt says fiercely. “Not now, not ever. I’m so, so sorry that this has been bothering you. None of this is your fault, though. I promise.”

“It’s just...I was watching you breathe when you were in the hospital,” Charlie says. “You were so weak, and I was terrified you weren’t going to make it. It’s been haunting me because that hit should have been for me, and I never wanted you to get hurt for me.” 

Matt nods, and kisses Charlie’s head once more. “It’s not your fault,” he reminds. “And I would do it all again if it means I can protect you. Just...next time, tell me that you’re having nightmares before it leads to a panic attack. I may not be able to protect you on the ice right now, but I can do my best to protect you at home.”

“You’re so good to me,” Charlie whispers. “I don’t deserve you.” 

“It’s what I’m here for,” Matt replies. “And you’re stuck with me.” 

They make their way back to bed, with quite a bit of coaxing from Matt. When they both crawl into bed, Matt lays with open arms, and beckons Charlie over to him. Carefully, Charlie crawls over to Matt, and curls up beside him. Matt knows he’s doing so because he is being cautious about the surgical scars on his chest and his healing lung. But Matt also knows he needs more comfort than that. 

Matt pulls Charlie close, coaxing him to pillow his head on his chest. He grabs one of Charlie’s hands, and brings it up to the left side of his chest, holding it just above his heart. Charlie wraps his legs around one of Matt’s, and Matt wraps his free arm around Charlie’s body, keeping him close. 

“I’m here,” Matt murmurs. “I’m alive, I’m breathing. You can feel my heartbeat. It’s beating for you, Charlie. Breathe with me, okay?” 

Charlie relaxes easily in Matt’s arms. He regulates his breathing to match Matt’s, and feels his heart beating under his hand. With every breath they take together, Charlie’s anxiety and guilt melt away, and are replaced with relief and affection. It isn’t much longer before they both fall asleep. 

From then on, that is how Matt and Charlie sleep. As long as Charlie can feel Matt’s breathing and hear his heart beating, he sleeps soundly in Matt’s arms. This is how they keep the nightmares away.


	7. Chapter 7

In the following weeks, Charlie and Matt navigate their relationship and Matt’s recovery. Charlie officially moves out of his apartment in favor of being with Matt all the time, which involves most of the team helping to move things, and allows Matt some time to feel like he isn’t being cooped up. Things that were separately Charlie and Matt’s merge and become one big compilation of two separate lives. 

Every day, Matt gets stronger, though he is still frequently reminded of his collapsed, hemorrhaging lung whenever he overexerts himself and his chest twinges. He wastes no time in getting back into the gym, working with the medical staff and trainers to come up with the best plan of action to get him healed. Charlie, of course, is with him every step of the way. He hovers and fusses, but Matt doesn’t mind the attention, especially not from him. 

The only holdup comes from waiting for clearance for Matt to engage in more physical activities. When they are alone, Charlie can barely keep his hands to himself. He slides his hands up under Matt’s shirt, feeling his muscles and loving the way they contract under his fingers. He sucks marks into Matt’s neck and chest at every opportunity, and places his hands on Matt’s ass when they’re cooking together in the kitchen. Charlie relishes holding Matt close, cuddling, and touching him just because he can. 

Matt certainly doesn’t protest all the teasing touches from Charlie. In fact, he is just as handsy with Charlie. He steals kisses wherever they are, whether it be at practice or at home. He holds Charlie’s hand when they are running errands, touches his chest and ass when they are at home. He sits on Charlie’s lap when they are watching TV on the couch, and distracts him with kisses and running his hands under his shirt, across his chest, and slipping his hands just below the waistline of Charlie’s pants. 

As much as they both adore the feeling of being touched and kissed and marked up by one another, the teasing becomes all too much. Matt wants more, and Charlie is just as impatient. After each check-up appointment Matt has, whether it be with the coaching staff or his surgeon, Charlie asks “Are you cleared yet?”. When Matt sighs and says no each time, Charlie sighs too, and settles for a makeout session--in the car, in the shower, on the couch. 

One day, Matt has a check-up appointment while Charlie is at practice. He receives the news he has been waiting for, and decides to surprise his boyfriend. He plays it cool, acts nonchalant when Charlie gets home, and sets up the Xbox in the living room. Matt greets Charlie with a kiss, and grabs snacks and water for them both before settling in next to Charlie on the couch. 

In the midst of their video game melee, Charlie accidentally spills water on his shirt. Matt pauses the game in anticipation of Charlie needing to change. However, Charlie just shrugs, and shimmies out of his shirt, discarding the article of clothing somewhere in the living room. Matt is greeted with the sight of Charlie’s bare chest, and an uninterrupted view of his muscles. Suddenly, focusing on a video game becomes significantly more difficult. 

Charlie goes back to playing as if nothing ever happened. Matt tries his hardest to do the same, but his eyes keep drifting over to his boyfriend’s chest. His mind keeps wandering to the fantasies of Charlie that have been invading his mind for weeks, and he shifts uncomfortably in his seat. He absentmindedly presses buttons on his controller, but he doesn’t pay attention to what it is he’s doing--as a result, Charlie ends up dominating the game without even needing to try. 

Finally, the desire in Matt’s veins boils over. He stands from the couch and tosses his controller off to the side. Charlie looks up at him, his eyebrows furrowing in confusion. Matt just smiles.

In one fluid motion, Matt straddles Charlie, sinking down into his lap and holding his face in his hands. He kisses Charlie deeply, and grinds his hips downward, feeling his boyfriend stiffen beneath him. Matt deepens the kiss, pushing Charlie backward. Charlie reflexively grasps Matt’s hips and melts into the kiss. 

“Matty,” Charlie breathes between kisses. "Wait a second. You're not…" he trails off when Matt kisses him hard again. 

"Yes I am," Matt whispers. He breaks away from Charlie's lips, and trails kisses down his cheeks until he reaches his neck, where he applies suction and leaves dark bruises. "I got cleared this morning." Matt chuckles softly at feeling the shiver that runs through Charlie's body. 

In response, Charlie grabs hold of Matt's hips more tightly, and pulls him flush against his own hips. Matt attacks his mouth in a bruising kiss, and whimpers into the kiss softly as he grinds down against Charlie. He has been thinking of what this would feel like for so long, and now that he can act on his fantasy, reality is far better. 

Matt spends several minutes just grinding on Charlie, riding his thighs and kissing his lips and neck and chest until they're both whimpering with desire. Charlie is sure Matt will have bruising on his hips later on from how hard he is gripping him. Matt can feel himself harden in his pajama pants, and he knows Charlie is, as well. 

After giving Charlie a kiss and a wicked grin, Matt unseats himself from his boyfriend's lap, and sinks to the floor on his knees. Without wasting any time, Matt reaches forward and tugs on the waistband of Charlie's pants; needing no explanation, Charlie lifts his hips and allows Matt to tug off his pants and boxers. 

Matt pushes Charlie's legs apart and moves to kneel between them, his hands coming to grasp Charlie's hips. He looks up to meet his boyfriend's eyes, his pupils wide and dark. "You have no idea how long I've been dreaming about doing this," he says. Charlie doesn't even have time to formulate a response before Matt grasps his dick with one hand, and takes him into his mouth. 

Charlie feels a shudder wrack his body as he lets out a long, tortured moan. He has had more daydreams about this than he would care to admit, but in the here and now, reality heavily outweighs his imagination. Matt laps and sucks at him, creating the most delightful friction, all the while twisting his hand and causing counter friction that makes Charlie's knees feel weak.

When Matt does something unfamiliar but oh-so-perfect with his tongue, Charlie can't help but gasp. "Holy fucking shit, Matty," he moans, and Matt feels his spine tingle. "You're so goddamn good."

Matt hums his amusement, and Charlie can feel his entire body resonate. His hips buck up to meet Matt's face involuntarily, but Matt simply swallows him deeper, until his nose is pressed against Charlie's stomach. Charlie can feel his dick in the back of Matt's throat, and the sensation, combined with the sight of Matt on his knees is entirely too much. 

Charlie shakes vigorously, hands moving to grasp Matt's hair. He doesn't know how careful he should be, so he errs on the side of caution. It is the last coherent thought he has before he comes. Charlie comes, screaming Matt's name and seeing stars behind his eyes while his body is engulfed in pleasant heat. 

Matt works him down just as easily as he worked him up. He swallows every drop before letting Charlie's dick slip from his mouth with a pop, and stands from the floor. He gently slides into Charlie's lap and curls his body into him. Matt wraps his arms around Charlie's neck, and kisses him gently, the taste of Charlie still on his lips.

When Charlie registers the taste of himself on Matt's tongue, he feels himself harden almost instantly. Matt chuckles against Charlie's lips and pulls back to smile at him. "I take it you liked that?" He asks. All Charlie can do is moan softly in response. 

Once he has had a chance to catch his breath, Charlie surges up to meet Matt's lips in a kiss. When they part for air, Charlie scoops Matt securely into his arms, and stands from the couch. If Matt is surprised, he certainly doesn't show it. Instead, Matt smirks at his boyfriend, and presses heated kisses to his neck. He can feel Charlie shiver, can feel goosebumps on his skin, and he wonders just what Charlie has in store for him. 

They reach the bedroom, and Matt extricates himself from Charlie's arms. He grabs Charlie by the shirt, and tugs him in close as he backs himself up against the wall. Charlie braces his weight with one hand against the wall, the other hand coming to cup Matt's cheek as he kisses him fiercely. 

"You know," Charlie pants when they part for air. "I was going to bring you to the bed."

Matt grins, and shrugs. "I couldn't wait that long," he admits. "I'm so fucking turned on right now."

Charlie has no good verbal response. The only thing he can think of to do is to strip Matt of his clothes right then and there. He proceeds to push Matt up against the wall, anchoring him by his hips. "I've always wondered about what it would be like to taste you," he murmurs, sinking down to his knees at Matt's feet. He watches Matt's eyes go wide, and grins. 

In one motion, Charlie leans in and takes Matt's dick into his mouth, swallowing down nearly to the base of him. Matt bucks his hips forward, but Charlie is quick to hold him still against the wall. Charlie laps and sucks on Matt like he is the best thing he has ever tasted, creating hot, wet friction and making Matt's body tremble uncontrollably. Matt moans, the sound both tortured and sweet. 

"Fuck, Charlie," Matt whimpers. "Just like that." He tangles his hands in Charlie's hair, tugging progressively harder as Charlie increases the friction and works Matt with his tongue. "God, you're gonna make me come."

Charlie acknowledges Matt by letting out a hum. He doesn't let up, however. In fact, he adds one hand to the mix, working Matt harder and faster. Matt's whimpers and moans become louder, more raw and broken, and Charlie's stomach does contented backflips at the reaction he is causing Matt to have. 

Matt comes mere moments later, screaming Charlie's name and bucking his hips wildly. Charlie happily swallows every drop, and pulls Matt, shaking, into his arms. "You taste so good, Matty," Charlie murmurs, kissing Matt's temple. "You're so fucking hot." 

Instinctively, Matt curls up in Charlie's lap, clinging to him and burying his face in his back. He rides out his high, still shaking and panting until all he can do is collapse and let Charlie hold him. "God, Charlie," Matt says breathlessly. "That was incredible.You're incredible."

Charlie laughs softly. "There's more where that came from," he says, winking. Matt's cheeks turn bright pink, and though he's just recovered from an earth-shattering orgasm, he wants more. He wants Charlie, he wants to be fucked, he wants, he wants, he wants.

Matt lunges forward and kisses Charlie hard. "Fuck me, Charlie," he says. "I need you so bad."

It hasn't been that long since his own orgasm, but Charlie can feel himself hardening rapidly. Matt is so beautiful, so perfect, and all his, sitting naked in his lap and wanting him (and only him). He kisses Matt in return, and runs his hands all over Matt's body. In the seconds to come, Charlie scoops Matt into his arms once more and carries him over to their bed. 

Matt props himself up so as to look up at Charlie. Charlie, meanwhile, stands at the end of the bed, staring with an expression of arousal and confusion. Naturally, Matt picks up on this instantly. "So, are you gonna stare at me all day?" Matt asks. "Or are you going to come up here and fuck me?"

Charlie's dick twitches at hearing Matt's words, and for a moment he forgets what his hesitation is altogether. One look at the scars littering Matt's chest bring him back to his thoughts. "I will," Charlie assures Matt. "I'm just trying to figure out how to be careful with you so I don't hurt you."

"What if I told you that I don't want you to be careful?" Matt proposes, lying on the bed with legs spread apart. "I feel good, Charlie," he insists. "I've wanted this for so long and now that I'm cleared I can't wait anymore. I just want you to fuck me. Please, Charlie. Just fuck me."

Matt looks so open, so pleading, and Charlie is so weak to the way Matt looks at him like he is the entire universe. The warning flags in his brain fade, and his erotic imaginations of Matt come back full force. He nods, and takes a step up to the foot of the bed. 

"Alright Matty," Charlie concedes. He crawls onto the bed, his large frame effortlessly blanketing Matt's. Matt responds immediately by wrapping his arms around Charlie's shoulders and clinging to him hard. He criss-crosses his legs across Charlie's lower back, pulling Charlie's hips flush with his own.

"Promise you'll tell me if anything hurts," Charlie murmurs, leaning his forehead against Matt's. In return, he feels Matt nod. He gently cups Matt's cheek in one hand, stroking his thumb across his skin.

"I promise, Charlie," Matt agrees. Feeling Charlie brush up against him, he starts to squirm. "Please…" he begs. "I just want you inside me."

Charlie chuckles softly and places a kiss to Matt's forehead. "You're so gorgeous when you beg," he says. With that, he thrusts his hips forward, filling Matt completely. 

Matt tosses his head back, eyes closed in pure bliss. He digs his hands into Charlie's shoulders, knowing his fingers will leave marks. He feels so full, so warm and content; nothing has ever felt so perfect, so right in his life. 

Charlie relishes the moment by holding his body completely still, only his thumb moving to stroke Matt's cheek. He concentrates on Matt's eyes, his skin, his body; he is consumed by the feeling of being inside of Matt, and he has to try his hardest not to come right then and there. 

"You feel so fucking good, Matty," Charlie breathes, leaning in to kiss him gently. "I've been dreaming about this for so long."

Matt lets out a sigh of contentment, and pulls Charlie closer, wanting to feel more, to feel everything. "Babe," he coos into Charlie's ear. "You can move, I want to feel all of you."

After one more gentle kiss, Charlie obliges Matt. He picks up a slow, gentle rhythm with his hips, every motion eliciting a soft moan from Matt. 

"More," Matt pleads, pressing his crossed legs into Charlie's lower back. "Harder, Charlie. Faster. Please, I need you to fuck me like you mean it."

Charlie kisses Matt as hard as he can. He thrusts his hips steadily, feeling the bed rock with each motion. Matt screams, clinging hard to Charlie and thrusting his hips upward to meet Charlie's. Charlie lets himself get lost in the hot, tight feeling of Matt, whispering filthy things into his ear while he slams into his body. 

Just like Charlie, Matt lets himself get totally lost in the moment. He sucks on Charlie's neck and chest, drags his fingers down his boyfriend's back, and clings to him with everything he has. 

"Fuck yes," Matt moans. "Fuck me just like that. You're so good, Charlie. So goddamn good. Please don't stop."

"I'm never gonna stop," Charlie assures. "You feel so perfect, Matty. I'm never gonna stop fucking you like this."

Matt moans again, and arches his back. Charlie feels him become stiff beneath him, and knows Matt is teetering on the edge. 

"That's it, Matty," Charlie coaxes, feeling Matt shake. "Come for me."

Matt doesn't need anymore coaxing than that. He falls over the edge, screaming Charlie's name. His body jerks as he comes all over his and Charlie's stomachs. He collapses, panting in Charlie's arms.

Charlie follows suit. With a scream of Matt's name, Charlie flies over the edge. He falls atop of Matt, shaking violently as he comes. Not wanting to crush Matt, Charlie pulls out and curls up at Matt's side, pulling him close and holding him tight. 

When they have returned to normal, their breathing normalized and limbs no longer shaking, Charlie pulls Matt in close and kisses him softly. "So, did that meet your expectations?" Charlie asks. 

Matt chuckles softly. "That was way better than I could have ever imagined. God, I love you so much."

Charlie smiles. "I love you so much," he replies. "I just wish we had said something earlier."

"Agreed," Matt says. " But now you don't have to worry about not having me. So, y'know...you can tap into this whenever you want."

Charlie snorts with laughter. "You're fucking ridiculous," he says, shaking his head but not letting go of Matt. "I'm so glad I have you; I love you so much."

Matt curls into Charlie's side, totally comforted just by being in his presence. "I love you," he murmurs, needing to say nothing else for the time being.

**Author's Note:**

> As always, thank you for reading. Positive feedback keeps my plot bunnies happy, so if you feel so inclined, leave me a comment down below. I'm also on Tumblr under the same pen name (@thewonderzebra), if you'd like to come yell with me about hockey there.


End file.
